I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
