An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
