Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
