Rock
Scissors
Fuck
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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