I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
