Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
