I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
don't judge my taste in strippers
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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