If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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