somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
