I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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