i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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