Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
