sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
