dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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