Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
