It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
