we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
