so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
