I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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