you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
