don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
