i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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