I am midnight drunk by noon
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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