you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
