I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
