I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
