Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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