I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
