also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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