what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
