yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
