Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
