Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
