Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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