I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
