I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
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