how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
