May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
bring money and cleavage
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
