I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
