Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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