You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
