i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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