I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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