i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
