I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Randomize
