my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
