so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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