Who wears a wallet chain?!
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
