i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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