when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i think i have herpe
just one?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
