I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
